


not a lot of noise and too much racket

by cobblestaubrey



Series: c'est la vie [7]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Dumbasses, F/F, Friendship/Love, aw they like each other and neither knows it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:21:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27979533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cobblestaubrey/pseuds/cobblestaubrey
Summary: "'I hope you’re familiar with Madame Cox,' Madame Guèvremont says, gesturing to the only other girl in the room.Nicky swallows, watching with piqued interest. Jackie is hunched over at her desk, her eyebrows furrowed in pure concentration. The piece of paper beneath her is covered in various red and black marks, and the pen in each of her hands says why. 'I am.'"Misery loves company, but not like this.
Relationships: Jackie Cox/Nicky Doll
Series: c'est la vie [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1979863
Comments: 9
Kudos: 16





	not a lot of noise and too much racket

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, I mean. Here ya go! I guess LOL I don't know how I feel about this, but I needed this story to get to everything else.

The final bell rings, yet somehow the sun is already setting. Nicky knows that when she arrives home, she will have only an hour of light left until her room is painted in shadows and doused in layers of darkness.

Sometimes she stares at the wall, watching specs of colors and stars dance in front of her. Those are the nights she stays awake long enough for dinner. Other nights she has to tiptoe quietly down the stairs and eat her dinner at two in the morning, long after her parents and sister have gone to sleep. The kitchen counter is cool enough to keep her elbows off of it, leaving her no pillow to fall back asleep. She waits there until breakfast, already dressed in her school clothing. 

She’s not going home when the bell rings, though. Waking up before the birds and going to sleep with the sun has killed her social life, and she’s taking it back by force, even if it kills her. Instead of walking out of the East entrance towards her car, Nicky slides her book bag around her shoulder and trudges towards room E111. 

Weeks earlier, Madame Guèvremont asked if Nicky would be interested in volunteering more for the French Honor Society. She declined, knowing that she only accepted the invitation for how it would look on her college applications, but after weeks of doing nothing, she knows this is the only thing that will keep her awake past five. 

Madame greets her in French when she walks through the open door, and she politely responds, despite feeling severely uncomfortable. She isn’t sure what she’s expecting, but an empty room sans one person isn’t it. 

“I hope you’re familiar with Madame Cox,” Madame Guèvremont says, gesturing to the only other girl in the room. 

Nicky swallows, watching with piqued interest. Jackie is hunched over at her desk, her eyebrows furrowed in pure concentration. The piece of paper beneath her is covered in various red and black marks, and the pen in each of her hands says why. “I am.”

Jackie and Rock are very close friends, Nicky knows that, and she worries Jackie might bring up the shorter girl in passing. It’s been almost a month since that stupid phone call, yet Nicky still kicks herself every time she sees Rock in the hallway. She doesn’t think she’s a bad person, but she knows all villains are heroes to themselves. Did her motives really matter, when her actions still hurt someone else?

“She will be giving her _discours présidentiel_ in a week,” the Professor begins, walking over to Jackie’s desk. “Her French is _parfait_ , but she still requests help.”

Nicky nods, still saying little, but walks over to Jackie nonetheless. She silently sits down across from her, cringing as the chair she pulls begins to squeak against the floor. Madame only nods, and goes to leave, which surprises the blonde. She wonders what the older woman gets out of leaving them alone, all awkward with their own teenage angst to sort out. 

Of course she heard what had happened between Jan, Jackie, and Crystal. Those screenshots filtered in and out of every classroom and every phone in the grade. That sort of betrayal - the kind that makes you question for nights on end why you weren’t good enough for that someone - it brandishes your heart, and never truly heals. That’s what it feels like, at least. Things have gotten easier for Nicky regarding Crystal; Her mind, whenever unoccupied, strays to her quite often, but never for long. 

Jackie’s pain, on the other hand, is much fresher. 

Nicky waits for Jackie to say anything, never speaking. She only watches, letting her eyes wander between the sheet of paper, the slope of Jackie’s nose, and the pattern on the other girl’s hijab. Nicky doesn’t know much about Jackie’s religion, but she knows others know less, and that Jackie continuing to wear the fabric means more about her character than anything else. 

Eventually, Jackie’s harsh critiques of her work manifest through her hand, and she ends up tearing a bit of her speech in the process of crossing out words. Nicky watches the girl’s fist clench around her red pen, shaking her head and muttering under her breath in a language that doesn’t sound like English or French. 

“Perhaps you should rewrite on a new paper?” Nicky tries to be soft, but Jackie’s head still pops up, startled as ever. 

She doesn’t speak, she just looks at Nicky, her mouth parted slightly. Nicky accepts the opportunity to take her in, one feature at a time. Her face is so… innocent. When she’s not so worried about whatever she’s to be worried about, her features soften, and she looks so serene.

Nicky would say angelic, but she’s getting a bit ahead of herself. 

“I’m sorry,” Jackie finally sighs out, looking back down at her paper. “It’s just been… not great, recently.”

Nicky nods, because she knows, and she knows that Jackie knows that she knows. Everyone knows everything about everyone, it feels like at this point. It’s not a big school, and with Crystal involved, all of their drama has sort of seeped into each other. Sometimes, the blonde wishes the school had something else to talk about, but all eyes have been on what feels like the same five girls since Dahlia stole Gigi Goode’s boyfriend last year. 

“Is that why you’ve killed this innocent sheet of paper?” Nicky smirks, gently pulling the paper away from Jackie’s desk. 

The other girl lets it happen, watching Nicky turn the paper to read it. 

Madame was right; Jackie’s speech, grammatically, is perfect. Nicky is unsure why Jackie requested help, but she now understands why she was chosen to assist the girl. 

Jackie quirks her lips to the side, and suddenly Nicky feels very exposed. The Persian’s eyes on her don’t scrape by like the prying eyes of many of the boys at their school, but they’re more inquisitive than the lazy stares she was used to from Crystal. Jackie has asked herself a question, and is now trying to answer it by saying nothing, only observing. 

She gives up, clearly, when she opens her mouth. “Why did you and Crystal break up?”

Nicky realized then that, though she knows that she and Jackie’s stories are very similar, Jackie has no idea. 

The silence nips at Jackie, who speaks up almost immediately. “I’m sorry, don’t answer that. It’s not my business. I’m sorry.” Her hands are defensive, waving about, but Nicky shakes her head to appease her. 

“Don’t be.” Nicky inhales, rewinding to the beginning. No work is going to be done today, but Nicky doesn’t mind. It might be nice to tell someone, finally. 

* * *

Jackie knows Gigi, but she also decides then and there that she knows nothing about the brunette at all. 

“Crystal texted me paragraphs, telling me everything, but at that point I knew I was not the only love in her life. It hurt, finding out I was second place, and didn’t even know,” she finishes, feeling so much smaller, but lighter as well. 

Jackie has said very little, only nodding along, asking the right questions. She mentioned Rock - and the phone call Nicky wishes she could forget - but quickly moved past it when Nicky tensed up. She feels bad, but she has other thoughts on her mind, as well. Nicky divulged just enough about the general timeline of Crystal and Gigi’s secret rendezvous, and it matches up perfectly to the weeks Jackie sat crying on Gigi’s floor. Suddenly, too much makes sense, and Gigi’s anger towards Jan feels more like a projection about her own past than a protective nature regarding Jackie. 

Huh. 

When Nicky finishes, Jackie doesn’t really know what to say. Of course, the first thing that pops into her head is “I’m sorry”, but she’s sure Nicky has heard that a million times before. 

“Are things better now?” she tentatively asks.

Nicky tilts her head gently, mulling it over. Her eyes never leave Jackie’s own, though, and it sort of freaks her out. She’s not used to so much prolonged eye contact, it makes her palms sweat. Gross. 

Eventually, Nicky nods. “Sort of.” 

Jackie doesn’t pry, even though she knows there’s something else behind Nicky’s eyes that the blonde is skirting around. 

Nicky shakes her head, covering her mouth with her knuckles. “I’ve talked your ear off - I’m sorry.”

“No, no,” Jackie starts. “Don’t. I asked.” 

“Still.”

Jackie shrugs, looking back down at her own paper. “Do you wish things were different?”

“Sometimes. But they aren’t.”

Jackie doesn’t like the way she keeps herself up at night with how things could have been different. She pictures Jan’s face, but every night it’s a little blurrier, and it hurts a little more. She thinks of the things she could have said to Jan - of how many ways she could show Jan how much the blonde meant to her, just to get her to stay.

She thinks of the nights Jan asked for five more minutes, but she left to sneak home before her mom noticed she was gone. 

She could have had five more minutes.  
  
“You two were together for a while,” Jackie finally asks, wondering why Nicky doesn’t have the same bitterness behind her voice.

Misery loves company, but misery hates contentedness.

“Yeah?” Nicky tilts her head.

“Doesn’t it feel like a waste of time?”

The blonde shrugs. She mulls it over, just for a second, letting her eyes wander over the desk below her. “We’re different now,” she starts, and her head suddenly tilts back up. Jackie isn’t great with eye contact, but those blue eyes are killing her, she can’t look away. “because of each other. And I sorta like who I have become.” 

Jackie nods. “Yeah, that makes sense,” is what comes out, but it’s not all that relatable. 

“Do _you_ wish things were different?” Nicky repeats Jackie’s question.

“Yeah. I do,” she responds, tracing the lines of the desk with her pen. “I was lied to for _so_ long. Like, all those memories are being rewritten, and I have to see them for what they really were.”

She hurts, most of the time. It’s a very subtle, simmering hurt, that feeds at her through the day. The chime of the bell is the only sound that moves her, and she feels sixteen all over again, broken hearted, and feeling Jan’s eyes crawl all over her.

This time feels so disgustingly permanent, it claws her insides, churning her stomach for hours. 

“Is it worth it?” 

Jackie shakes her head. “No,” she laughs, with little melody. “I’m just running in circles, wasting time on something that doesn’t matter.”

“Why not waste time on something else, then?” Nicky asks.

Jackie furrows her brow, giving Nicky a confused smile. “I have no idea what you mean.”

Nicky laughs again, but it’s louder. Jackie feels it, as it rises upwards in her, like sugar washing over her heart and ribs. “Just anything, Jackie.”

Her name sweeps over Nicky’s lips, like dried sand after the waves. For once, drowning feels like air. 

She shakes her head, crossing poetry club off of her list of potential time wasters. 

“Here,” Nicky says, standing up. “Let’s get out of here.”

“Yeah?” Jackie asks, but still follows the other girl’s lead.

“Mhm.”

Her lopsided grin accompanies her beckoning hand, and Jackie can’t help but join her in running down the hall like a pair of confused freshmen.

“Where are we going?” She calls out to Nicky, who is paces ahead. She feels light headed, but the adrenaline makes her forget about her weak knees and aching heart. 

“Anywhere,” Nicky says.

Jackie finds that she really likes the mystery, even if it scares her. A lot of things scare her, but fear means she’s still breathing.

* * *

“Jackie! Wait up!”

It’s been weeks since that day, but Jackie hasn’t been counting. She just knows that there have been coffee runs, swing sets, and abandoned buildings, all of which Nicky and she have made their mark on. 

_“I have a confession,” Nicky said, after watching Jackie drink the last of her coffee._

_Jackie’s heart picked up, but she managed to quiet her breathing, just for a moment. “Yeah?” she breathed out, lifting her eyes up just a bit to meet Nicky’s own. The blue was far from icy, but it made her freeze._

_The cliche tasted more bitter than the drink._

_“I hate coffee,” Nicky whispered conspiringly, moving her head down to make sure no one else could hear._

_It made Jackie gasp comedically loud, which set Nicky off immediately. Soon, Jackie followed her, and their laughs began to fill the room._

_Jackie still had that biting thought in the back of her mind, though, of the last time Jan and she shared a moment like this._

The voice that calls behind her sets her is far from comforting.

She isn’t sure why Crystal is still in the building, or when she began following her, but she’s in no mood for this. 

“Buzz off.”

“Listen to me,” she hears Crystal plead behind her. Crystal’s boots slam against the floor with each step, and it may be the loudest Jackie has ever heard the girl. 

Her earbuds itch in her pocket, begging her to drown out Crystal’s voice with someone else’s. She has a million songs on repeat that remind Jackie of Crystal, or of Jan, or of the two of them together, but she can’t think fast enough to get her hand in her pocket.

_“Dude, that new playlist you made is sappy as shit.”_

_“Stop looking through my Spotify!”_

_Rock rolled her eyes. “You’re the one making these public.”_

_“Like you don’t have a million playlists just like it.”_

_“Yeah, but… Wait,” Rock stopped walking alongside Jackie, then, her face scrunched up in that same expression she always got. “You like someone?”_

_Jan had once told her that she knew she loved her, because waking up and knowing she’d see Jackie that day was always enough to get her out of bed._

_One day, Jackie knew, Jan would have someone else to get her out of bed. Regardless of how far away it was, Jackie knew it would hurt the same, scratching at her skin until she was raw._

_Jackie couldn’t imagine finding another person like Jan, again. Not when Jan’s favorite songs were still sprinkled into every single one of her playlists._

_“Definitely not,” Jackie scoffed, hoping that was enough to end the conversation._

_She knew better._

_“Jackie’s got a crush!” Rock was too boisterous for her own good._ _  
_ _  
_ _Jackie quickly scanned the hallway, watching dozens of eyes turn to look at her, including - oh, fuck._

_“Rock, you dumbass!” Jackie whispered, gritting her teeth and walking faster, trying to avoid the brown eyes that just shifted towards her._

_“Oh, shit,” was all that was said back, with a scratchy laugh to accompany it._

_Jackie chanced another look, just for a moment, she had to know._

_Jan was looking elsewhere, like nothing had happened._

_Jackie sighs, but it burns more going out than it ever did going in._

She shakes her head in place of her music, never looking back. “I don’t have time.”

“Make some!” Crystal calls back. 

Weeks. _Weeks_ of misstepping in the hallway, staring at the floor, and accidentally bumping into Jan. _Weeks_ of deleting and creating playlists that reminded her of Jan, that fueled her anger or fueled her sadness.

Weeks of watching Crystal walk around like she didn’t ruin the best thing that ever happened to Jackie. 

“What messed up game are you playing here?”

Crystal sputters behind her, but still follows. How long is this fucking hallway?

“Dude, I’m not gonna date Jan! I don’t like her.”

Jackie growls, feeling it nip the back of her throat. “It’s not about that!” She finally stops, but still refuses to turn around. Some nights, her playlists would be paused by the sound of notifications from Crystal, begging her to forgive her.

The playlists always resumed, but Jackie wouldn’t.

“Then- what? The fuck?”

Jackie balls her fists to the side, closing her eyes harshly. “It doesn’t matter!” 

Jan is a subtle arp, calling Jackie’s name over and over again, but Crystal is lead, screaming in the middle of both sides of Jackie’s head. 

Who the fuck does she think she is?

“Jackie?” is called behind her, and both girls turn to look. 

Nicky looks positively ethereal under the artificial lights which still buzz softy after school. Jackie has never been happier to see Nicky, but something in her stomach tells her that this happiness means a lot of different things. 

“Nicky.”

Crystal breathes out her name so softly. It makes Jackie wonder why they broke up in the first place. 

Jackie looks between the two, finally taking a good look at Crystal. Something ties them together still, but Jackie is seething, and decides that tether is getting cut. 

“Nicky,” Jackie tries to purr, turning fully to the blonde. “I’m so glad you found me.”

Nicky stills for just a second, taking a soft inhale, before letting her breath go silently. “You are?”

Jackie nods, ignoring Crystal’s scoff from behind her. “We’ve got a _lot_ of work ahead of us, don’t we?” She may be going overboard, but Crystal’s getting a taste of her own medicine. She can feel Crystal’s eyes burning a hole in the back of her head. 

Nicky never looks away from Jackie, even though Jackie knows Crystal is still standing there, begging for the blonde’s attention. The two are close enough now, that Jackie’s hand brushes Nicky’s for just a second, but the blonde doesn’t move away. She gasps, quietly, her mouth open just a bit, and it’s intoxicating. 

Intoxicating - that’s a strong word, Jackie thinks to herself. 

_“You want Nicky.”_

_“I do not.”_

_“You don’t want to want Nicky, but you do.”_

_“Gigi, I swear to God.”_

_Gigi shrugged, focusing back on her textbook. “Don’t lose her before you even have her.”_

_“You sound like this is from personal experience.”_

_With everything she finally knew about Gigi and Crystal, it was easier to understand what was going on in the brunette’s mind at that moment. Gigi flinched, just barely, clenching her jaw._

_Gigi lost Crystal without ever having her, but could that really have hurt more than Jackie losing Jan, after knowing what it was like to love her?_

_Gigi sighed, and in that moment, Jackie sort of knew what the answer was. “Just trust me. For once.”_

Two sets of eyes are still on her, a rock and a hard place. 

Someone’s going to get hurt.

And that someone isn’t her.

Jackie reaches down without a second thought, grabbing Nicky’s hand, so she can pull her away. 

She can feel Nicky’s hand, uncharacteristically hot, in her own, but continues pulling her down the hallway, and never looks back. 

When she finally gets Nicky into E111, she immediately lets go of Nicky’s hand, but misses the warmth more than anything in the moment.

Nicky doesn’t speak, but when Jackie turns around to finally look at her again, there’s something in her eyes. 

She takes a moment to just look over the blonde, even though she’s gotten to for the last few weeks they’ve been getting to know each other.

Nicky’s never had braces, and her laugh lines come out any time she has a hint of a smile. Jackie loves her real grin more than anything, even more than those sly smirks she sends Jackie’s way after she says something cheeky.

Music doesn’t play in Jackie’s mind when Nicky is around. She feels her heart beating like a bass line, instead, and her blood rushing like the call of the wind that you can just barely make out. Even in her nervousness, she feels more comfortable with Nicky than she does around most people.

She’s a little fucked.

“Well,” Jackie finally speaks again, looking at the desk behind her. “We better get started.”

The blonde still doesn’t move. Her eyebrows lower, her eyes drawing shapes around Jackie’s face. “What was that?”

Jackie swallows. “What?”

Something is off. Her anxiety is panging in her chest, and it hurts, sounding off like a warning signal. Something is not right.

Nicky scoffs, but she looks almost horrified at Jackie. Her eyes are wide, accusatory, and her mouth stays open, shocked. “I can’t believe you.”

“What?” Jackie asks again, taking a step forward. Nicky takes a step back, but Jackie longs to close this gap, to fix whatever she’s done. 

“I thought you were on my side,” Nicky says, turning to put her hand on the door handle, her voice shaking just slightly. “But you’re just like her.”

Her last remark bites Jackie in a way she can’t begin to think about, because by the time it truly hits, the door is slammed in front of her. 

“Fuck,” she breathes out, reaching up to rub the fabric around her head. It doesn’t help much at all, not anymore.

* * *

The sun doesn’t come up until just before first period. She has homework due in third block, but that’s a problem for second block, because she can’t gain the energy to unzip her backpack. She sort of likes these mornings, alone, underneath the stairwell going towards D hallway. No one ever asks anything of her, and she doesn’t have to speak until well after seven in the morning. 

No one ever seeks her out, but she’s not hiding, anyway. It’s safe, there, just safe enough to let her eyes close for a moment. 

This morning, the hallways around her have grown too loud, and she slips in her earbuds to drown them out. Her music taste isn’t really like anyone else’s that she knows, but it’s not something she’s proud of. She can rarely sing along at parties, because she has no idea which song made the radio’s top one hundred this week or next, but she finds comfort in the pianissimos of her favorite artists.

She hums softly, just loud enough to cheer her up. 

This morning is one of the firsts where she received nothing from Jackie. Most days, Jackie would send an image she had found the night before with a funny caption, or a song lyric she liked. 

Nicky responds, “Good morning”, but never gets one back, just a conversation that gets her through her day until lunch. 

This morning, there’s no text. She sits alone, with her eyes closed, like she did before Jackie came into her life. Her breathing begins to even out, her heart thumping in time with the subtle kick of her music. This isn’t uncommon, for her to try and catch a few more minutes of sleep. She’s always tired.

Sometimes, the warning bell is what wakes her up, but not this morning. 

She doesn’t hear the footsteps, but she feels the vibrations making their way closer to her. She tenses before she opens her eyes, hoping, praying to _God_ , that it’s not who she thinks it is. 

_“Crystal, please…”_

_Crystal kneeled down to Nicky’s level, her eyes glued to the linoleum floors. When she looked up, Nicky could see her eyes, wide and clear, filled just barely with unshed tears._

_The redhead was beautiful. Nicky always thought so, regardless of how many times Crystal would shake her head, letting her curls bounce around her face, denying her compliments. In the moment, though, Crystal’s face wasn’t the comfort it usually was._

_It made Nicky feel raw._

_“Leave me alone,”_

_“I_ **_love_ ** _you,” Crystal insisted, putting her index under Nicky’s chin to lift it. “I love_ **_you_** _.”_

_Nicky shook her head, swallowing thickly. She turned her head, grabbing Crystal’s wrist to push her hand away. “But you didn’t.”_

_Crystal pulled away, her eyebrows furrowed. “What do you mean?”_

_“You loved Gigi, and you lied to me.” Nicky clenched her jaw, trying to keep her voice strong. One tear fell, but she quickly wiped it away, her nail scraping against her cheek. “You wanted her and took me home.”_

_Crystal didn’t speak for a minute, her eyes falling again. They traced over specs and smudges on the floor. Finally, she closed her eyes, sighing. “I wanted you.”_

_“I will not be your second choice.”_

_Crystal continued looking at her, her stare unwavering._

_Nicky’s heart raced, and she could feel the onset of_ **_something_ ** _that didn’t feel so great, her thoughts becoming cloudy._

_Suddenly, the bell rang, yet Crystal didn't stand immediately. She waited, letting students shuffle in and out of the stairwell, until someone called her name._

_Crystal began walking away, but paused, before looking back at Nicky. She said nothing, but her eyes were so full of remorse._

_Nicky still loved her, she knew that for certain._

_She deserved more, though. She deserved more than being someone’s second choice._

“Nicky,” Jackie breathes out, walking slowly towards her, before stopping. She’s wringing her hands, waiting for Nicky to do or say anything, but she _can’t_. She has nothing to say. She no longer can see the students walking outside of the corridor, her eyes are stuck on this girl. 

This stupid girl, who already had a first choice. 

Without being prompted, almost every other time they hung out, Jackie would bring up Jan. Something Jan did, or said, or something that happened to Jackie regarding Jan that day. 

Nicky knows she brings up Crystal just as much, but it hurts more, knowing Jackie still feels so much for Jan (or at least, who Jan was to her), and Nicky has to be second choice again.

She will _not_ be a second choice.

“Nicky, I am so, _so_ sorry,” Jackie’s voice is thick with tears, like she’s been beating herself up all morning about this. She opens her mouth to speak again, but she just starts choking up, her eyes flickering all around Nicky’s face.

Nicky looks up at her, feeling like she’s moving in slow motion. Her eyes are heavy and her head is a heavy weight. Craning her neck feels like a job, but she has to say _something_. 

“It’s okay,” she whispers.

She’s done fighting with people she loves.

But Jackie just shakes her head. The deep purple of her hijab matches her shirt today. They blend seamlessly, and it’s endlessly endearing - Nicky noticed before that Jackie will do this on presentation days, or if there’s a school assembly, but there’s nothing planned today that Nicky knows of.

“It’s not okay,” Jackie spits out, but she’s not angry at Nicky. She’s staring at the floor, looking revolted, at _herself_. “I- you- I spent _weeks_ cursing her name, and telling you, you didn’t deserve what she did. And then…” Jackie shrugs, “I never, ever wanted to make you feel that way. And I did.”

Jackie hurt her. 

Jackie hurt her because Nicky gave her the power to hurt her. Nicky put so much trust in her, so much time, so much _love_.

 _“Do_ **_not_ ** _jump!”_

_“I will!”_

_“Nicky!”_

_She could barely hear the last of Jackie’s calls, as she swung back, before kicking her legs forward and letting go of the swing’s chains._

_Nicky landed on the rubbery mat below them, laughing, and beckoning Jackie to jump, too._

_“Live a little!” she wheezed out, watching Jackie’s expression grow more and more fearful, until, finally, she closed her eyes and jumped._

_She landed a foot or so from Nicky, but tumbled closer as her knees hit the ground. Her eyes are still closed, but she’s the closest Nicky had ever seen her._

_The blonde could barely keep her breathing even, as she leaned forward, just a bit._

“Why?” Nicky asks. Jackie doesn’t speak. “Why did you do it?” 

Jackie shrugs helplessly, her hands falling to her sides. “I was just _so_ angry at Crystal, I wanted to…” she shakes her head, scoffing at herself. “I wanted to hurt her.”

“Because of Jan?” Nicky asks.

_Then, Jackie opened her eyes, slowly. Her eyes met Nicky’s immediately, and for a moment, Nicky thought Jackie might lean in, too._

_Until the girl bounced back, rolling feet away. Nicky let out a breath, closing her eyes, trying to picture what Jackie had looked like moments before. The image faded._

Jackie shrugs again. For someone who overthinks, she certainly knows nothing about her own thoughts, Nicky thinks as she watches Jackie battle with herself.

“No,” she finally says, but Nicky doesn’t believe her. She _can’t_. Jan is Jackie’s motivation for most of the stupid things she does. The thought settles deeply in Nicky’s chest, but it’s true. “Because Crystal… Crystal is so apathetic.”

Jackie starts shaking her head again, like she’s going to really cry this time, so Nicky scoots a bit away from the stairs and offers Jackie a spot next to her. Jackie clambers over, rubbing her face with her hands, and her breaths become deeper. More tragic.

“She doesn’t care about anything, and I cared _so_ much about Jan, and Jan liked _her_ and not me. I couldn’t even keep Jan, and I was the one who gave a crap about her.” 

Nicky nods, because she gets it, she does. No matter what Crystal says, she still loved Gigi at the end of the day, and by the end of her relationship with Nicky, yet they hadn’t even talked for months. Gigi is the one Crystal wants, even though Nicky spent half a year giving herself to Crystal in every way.

That’s the type of thing that will always keep someone up at night, wondering why they weren’t good enough. 

“You are so stupid,” Nicky reaches her hand over to grab Jackie’s, just for comfort, she tries to tell herself. 

“I know,” is Jackie’s watery reply, and she laughs a little bit, to herself, but Nicky can’t help but join in. “I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you,” Nicky whispers, letting Jackie rub her thumb over her knuckles.

The rugged brick behind her is digging into her back, now, and the floor is far too cold, and all she wants is a nap, yet somehow she can feel the way Jackie inhales and exhales next to her. Somehow she can hear Jackie like a calming storm, yet Jackie’s making no sound. 

Jackie nods next to her, looking forward. “Okay,” is whispered back, and it’s small. It’s just so small. She finally turns her head and looks at Nicky, letting her see into those eyes, those dark, stupid fucking eyes, that are wrapped with tears.

She’s beautiful. Nicky wants to tell her so, breathe it out, but she won’t. 

Because Nicky normally wouldn’t forgive someone for this, but she also knows exactly how Jackie feels. She would have done the same, she thinks, were Gigi around somewhere to come and fuck everything up. She understands Jackie, and Jackie understands her, and the sympathy and empathy she gets and receives settles nicely in her chest.

But that’s not love, and that’s how it’s going to stay.

**Author's Note:**

> I was a little demotivated writing this, because I felt like I wasn’t writing Jackie’s POV correctly, but then I realized, Jackie viewed the world musically because of her connection with Jan. As that waned, and her connection with Nicky grew, the way Jackie viewed the world changed. 
> 
> But, yeah. I mean. It's fine LOL I'm just sort of much more excited to write the rest of the series, I guess? I think the next stories are gonna be much better. idk. lol.


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